Thursday, April 1, 2010

where does the time go?

I didn't realize how long it has been since posting last..WOW.. Well hubby is home from treatment, it's been two days so far. He seems to be doing well, getting a little irritable I think with all the finacial obligations we have but otherwise seems ok.

I am doing great, I am 110 days sober, still attending 3-4 AA meetings a week. I actually took 6 days off from work and IOP, I've managed to get alot of yard work done and have really enjoyed the time off. Got 2 days left befor returning back to work.

I do how ever feel like all my friends from treatment are falling one by one, 1 went back to treatment, 1 was drunk when I was on the phone with her and the other won't return phone calls or text and then a few days ago my Best friend of 20 years had an intervention and went into treatment. I have been praying for all of them, hoping they make it through these hard times.

Well going to go check on my daughter and her friend to make sure they haven't destroyed our basement.

I am grateful for my sobriety, God, AA, Husband, my health, family and friends!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

persistence

3/11/2010




So it has been awhile since I have written. A LOT has happened. After a lot of fighting with Hazelden and the Insurance company I finally got them to say Hubby could go into treatment. The Monday he was suppose to go in they told us we had to come up with $10,000.00, which I new wasn’t right, but with my persistence everything turned out good. So as of today hubby has been at Hazelden for 8 days. The first few he was having a pretty emotional time but now he seems to be doing well. The girls and I went and visited him on Sunday and he looked good. It was really weird walking around there, almost felt like I hadn’t left treatment.

I have been having good and bad days, Thank God for my AA meetings or I don’t know what I would do. A few days ago I had a huge emotional breakdown (I think all the stress from everything the last month caught up to me). I did have an urge to drink, but I didn’t. It’s strange how 3 months ago I would’ve ran to the liquor store with no thought and now I know the consequences of what will happen if I do.
Between work, outpatient, AA and the girls I feel like I have no time, I have to work tomorrow, sat & sun and I just feel like quitting my job, I hate my hours, don’t get me wrong I like my job I just hate getting up so early. I had asked hubby’s mom to come keep an eye on the girls this weekend, but I am reconsidering it. I want to be able to trust the girls and not worry about them but they always seem to be doing things they shouldn’t even when I am around. Who knows, I guess I will pray for guidance on that subject.

Well I am going to sit and veg out for 2 hours before going to bed.

busy busy

2/25/2010




Oh, I am so exhausted, the last two days I have been so busy trying to set up everything for hubby to go to treatment and last night for some darn reason I couldn’t fall asleep then at 1:30am I got the hiccups and was up till 2:30am, got up at 6:30am and been up since. I am really looking forward to going to bed tonight, but not looking forward to getting up at 4:30am.

I also went down to the county to see if we could get some sort of financial assistants and to my surprise we do qualify for some, so I finally went grocery shopping. We now have enough food for the week, so that is one less thing to worry about. Now just waiting to see if we can get discounted School lunches for the girls. Normally I would feel like a failure asking for this sort of help, but I’m sure this is temporary and that’s what it’s for.

Tomorrow I have my medallion ceremony so I have that to look forward to. I of course will be doing all the packing for hubby and finishing getting everything together. He is busy trying to get all his business stuff done before he goes. Which today he decided he wasn’t going to go till Tuesday, I’m not thrilled with that, but I know if I push to hard he won’t go.

Well going to sit and relax before my laundry is done and have to cook supper.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Progress is a good thing

2/23/2010



Oh Boy, the last two days have been a roller coaster. My hubby is going to treatment on Monday, or so I hope. I am just awaiting details on the financial part of it. Hoping what we have to pay isn’t to much because I am probably going to have to borrow from family. I will try not to stress about it. I went to the county today to see if we could get any sort of assistants because we have NO money and he has no work. I hated to do that, but we are really in a crisis at the moment and need some help to get through it. I should find out in a few days what happens with all of that.

I have been to 2 AA meetings so far this week and am planning on going on wed, Thur. and Sunday. I always feel so recharged when I go. Plus I have my 60 day medallion ceremony on Friday, I am actually 73 days sober but who’s counting…hehe

Well, I go back to work tomorrow after a busy 4 days off, so I better get to bed soon. Will update soon what’s going on with hubby.
I am grateful for many things today!!!

Alcohol Ingredient Substitute Tips and Uses

Alcohol Ingredient Substitute Tips and Uses



White Wine
(light and dry) 3 parts white grape juice
1 part white wine vinegar
poultry and general use


White Wine
(slightly sweet) 3 parts apple juice
1 part apple cider vinegar
pork and veal

White Wine
(sweet) 3 parts white cranberry juice
1 part white balsamic vinegar
desserts


Red Wine
(light and dry) 3 parts red grape juice
1 part red wine vinegar
general use


Red Wine
(full bodied) 3 parts red grape juice
1 part balsamic vinegar
beef and game


Red Wine, Port
(dark and sweet) 3 parts red grape juice
1 part black currant juice
desserts


Champagne
(bubbly and tart) 3 parts sparkling grape juice
1 part lemon juice
light sauces


Brandy, Cognac
1 part apple cider
1 part balsamic vinegar
full bodied sauces


Sherry
(dry) 2 parts apple juice
1 part sherry vinegar
marinades


Sherry
(sweet) add teaspoon sugar
to above (the other Sherry substitute)
desserts


Bourbon, Whiskey
3 parts apple juice
1 part balsamic vinegar
Dash nonalcohol vanilla extract
pan sauces


Rum
1 part brewed tea
1 part simple syrup
soaking cakes


Beer
ginger beer or club soda
Splash of barley water
batters for frying


Dark Beer, Stout root beer or birch beer
Splash of strong tea
braising


BROUGHT TO YOU FROM :
The Sober Kitchen: Recipes and Advice for a Lifetime of Sobriety

Saturday, February 20, 2010

The miracle is this - the more we share, the more we have

The miracle is this - the more we share, the more we have.


--Leonard Nimoy

Look around you at the happiest people you know. They are also the most generous and giving people. A generous spirit creates its own environment. In recovery we talk a lot about gratitude - and we have a lot to be grateful for. This feeling of gratitude inspires us to be generous toward others in many different ways. Most sharing is not of material things but a sharing of our spirit, our forgiveness, and our respect for others.

We can cultivate a generous spirit by reminding ourselves that we have enough. We have enough to live well, we are surrounded by love, we have been forgiven for many wrongs that we committed, and life is filled with interesting adventure. When we share from this sense of abundance, our feeling of well-being only grows.

Today I will be generous and sharing toward the other people I come into contact with.



You are reading from the book:
Wisdom to Know by Anonymous

Hmm Where to start?

2/20/2010


Well let’s see, some things have happened since I last wrote, where to start? Work has gone well. The situation with hubby has changed a bit. He informed me that Hazelden called him back and said our Insurance wouldn’t cover him. I found this odd so I called our Ins. company to find out what was going on. The Ins. company said that Hazelden never contacted them. So I am not sure if he lied or if the Ins. company doesn’t know what they are talking about. More about Hubby in a minute.

On Thursday the 18th, I went to a treatment center with my AA group to speak to the patients. I of course did not speak (scared to death of it). It all went really well, I got to hear 9 of my fellow AA members briefly tell there stories. I left there feeling inspired and a lot more connected to the group. They all gave me a hard time about not speaking, but it was in good fun. After the meeting I went home to discover that Hubby was hiding bottles in the garage again. Which I already had a strong feeling he was. So I left Thursday night with some prayers for him and hoped for a productive and positive Friday.
Friday, I worked and it went very well. I went to my AA meeting, but before going I took a peak in hubbies car and found an empty whiskey bottle. I am not really sure what to do. I know I can’t focus on his drinking because it just interferes with my sobriety, but at the same time I can’t just sit by and do nothing, he is breaking another promise to me. I tried to call his sister last night to ask her advice but she is out of town for a few days. So my thinking is to contact Hazelden on Monday and see if I can get him in and if so, get a hold of his sister and do a little intervention. Thinking his sister and 2 of his friends and our neighbor…Thinking maybe just his sister and myself to start and if that doesn’t work, his friends.

Financially we really can’t afford this, we only have $40 in the bank and he has no work and my checks go to Ins. But if he has no work it would be a good time for him to go. Plus I am trying to see if I can get a small loan to pay off some bills and hoping for extra to get the girls and I through the month if he goes. I am really surprised at myself that I am not feeling overwhelmed with everything. I really believe my prayers are being heard, which is something I never would’ve said 3 months ago. It’s amazing how dealing with an addiction can really open a persons mind. So these are things I need to figure out this weekend.

Well I am going to spend today (Saturday) sitting around and doing nothing! Planning on watching The time travelers wife and maybe some cleaning. Hopefully I will have some more positive things to share next time.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

What a GREAT DAY !!!

2/16/10

I have to say I had an awesome day! I went shopping at Target and Walgreens and it was bargain city, I got so many good deals. It just makes my day when I can do that. I posted all my stuff on my other blog, DoodleBug. I have been posting stuff when I have time, but really haven’t had the time lately so it’s pretty skimpy. I worked the 2nd shift last night and I have to say I really enjoyed it, I am going to look into seeing if I can switch to that shift when summer comes so the girls aren’t home all day unsupervised. I can only imagine what the house would look like let alone the fights they get into.


I had my IOP today and as usual it was pretty lame. Same stuff I learned in treatment. I keep telling myself that it is good for me to follow through with it, it will help to keep things fresh and in perspective. I stopped and got my nails done before IOP, which has been something I started doing since I came home from treatment. Kinda my little reward every couple of weeks for not drinking. I really enjoy the quiet time for just myself.

OK now for the shocker of the day. My husband called me this morning and left a message on my phone and told me that he thought I looked beautiful this morning. Very Nice ! Plus the other shocker was that I called him when I got home and he informed me that he called Hazelden. He apparently has come to the realization that the drinking is to much for him, that he finds himself stopping and drinking after work, today I guess it was 1pm this afternoon. This might not sound nice, but I am not getting my hopes up, he went through this while I was in treatment and did nothing when I was gone or when I got home. I told him I would support him and help out with his business the best I could if he went. I want nothing but the best for him and really hope he goes through with this, but as I’ve learned this is something he needs to decide, so I will stay out of it. I did how ever invite him to attend AA with me Tomorrow night and he said maybe. So maybe it is.

Well gotta work in the morning, so going to bed after this great day.

Gratitude:

God
Sales clerk @ Walgreens (she went out of her way to help me)
Family
Husband
My Dogs
Friends

Monday, February 15, 2010

Thankful

Feb. 15


Lets see, yesterday was a really good day at work, I always have such a good feeling when I leave there. There is something with the elderly that makes you thankful. In some of the residents when they look at you it’s almost like there is an innocence about them, as if they were little kids. Hard to explain, but they really do make a difference in my life.



I went to an AA meeting last night and it was really powerful. One of the guys there mentioned that after 5 years of being sober his wife said to him “what has really changed since you quit drinking?” and to him he thought everything had, when actually a lot of things around him had changed, but he was still the same jerk he was when he was drinking. He realized that his behavior hadn’t changed. It just stuck with me for some reason and made me take a look at myself to see if any of my behaviors have changed or not. I guess that is something I need to investigate myself. All in all yesterday was a good day and I am very thankful for it and all who played a part in it.



Today has been ok, I spent 4 hours clipping coupons and looking for some great freebies and deals, did some laundry and now I am getting ready to work my 4-11pm shift. Hoping it goes well, I am working with aides I’ve never even met (hopefully they are hard working). The kids have driven me nuts today (no School, presidents Day). I really need to find some activities for them this summer otherwise I will be struggling daily with wanting to drink. When they fight it triggers me really bad. Well, need to finish getting ready.

Hoping for a positive and productive evening…

Saturday, February 13, 2010

2/13/2010, why do kids grow up?

OK…I am ready for summer already, this gloomy weather is doing a number on me. I had a good day at work, very exhausted because I made the mistake of drinking coffee last night and couldn’t fall asleep as early as I wanted to. I was so happy to see the other 3 woman I normally work with, the day went much smoother. I guess Hubby went and cleaned off his mothers roof, 11yr. old went sledding with her friend and 14yr. old stayed home, oh and the dogs got into the garbage, came home to it all over. I love my dogs, but boy between that stuff and whom ever is pooing on the floor at night is a pain.

It’s 8pm now, watching some movie and wondering if I should call my 14 yr. old. She went over to her “boyfriends” house to watch a movie, he lives right behind us. I am a bit nervous about it. He said is parents were home so I hope he was telling the truth. I told her she had to be home by 9pm. I just hope the boy doesn’t try and put a move on her. He has an older brother, I think he is 17 or 18, so I am sure he has heard/seen some stuff from him. I guess I shouldn’t worry to much, she hasn’t really done anything to break our trust. Why is it so hard to let them grow up?

Well, going to relax, get some laundry done and figure out what in the heck I just did to my computer (everything just got really small).lol

2/12/2010, Promises

Whew ! I am tired, I had the longest day at work, we had 2 other aides on the floor that don’t normally work in my unit. the unit I work in is a dementia/Alzheimer unit with 27 residents. So three aides equals about 9 people to get up each in the morning. Well put it this way, one of the girls working only got up 4 residents which puts a lot more work on the rest of us, so that makes for a long day. With that said, it was a pretty good day, I stayed positive and productive.

Tonight my 14yr. old had her “boyfriend” over. Don’t know if calling him her boyfriend is correct but he apparently asked her out. So she had him over along with two other boys, they sat in the basement and played Rock band and Halo. It all seems fine, nothing to worry about (at the moment anyways…).

Went to AA tonight, it turned out to be a pretty big group, one of the people in the group happens to be one of our neighbors (not one we partied with). Strange to see him/her there, but glad to see I am not alone in this neighborhood. The meeting went really well, the topic was gratitude and the AA Promise. I use to read it every morning in treatment and kinda forgot about it till last night. So here is a copy of it.

This can be found on page 83-84, of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.

THE A.A. PROMISES

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.


This is just a great thing to read, going to try and start reading it daily. Well, have another long day tomorrow, so going to bed.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

2/10/2010, 60 days Sober

I honostly can say I am pooped, I am starting to think I am to old for my job. We had 2 other aides on the floor that don't normally work in that unit so I basically felt like I was working by myself. I'm really starting to consider finding a different job.

The last few days have been really challenging for me, I don't know if it's from everything that's been going on over the last week in a half. But lastnight I had a complete meltdown. I litterly was having a crying fit because I wanted to drink so bad. I tried talking to a girl from my outpatient and then finally I told hubby that I needed to go to an AA meeting. I new there was one close by so I attempted to go to it, when I got there I couldn't find it and by then my urges had mellowed down a bit, so I opted to go grocery shopping. Which helped.

Tonight I had a good AA meeting, plus I have 60 days of sobriety today..YAY, have to say I am proud of myself. I drank to much coffee so I am hoping I can get to bed somewhat early, doubt it.
Tomorrow I am planning on skipping my IOP and get stuff done. I am still typing up all my journel entries from treatment so Ican post them on the blog. Well off to bed.

2/6/2010, Yummy Redlobster

I was so hoping to sleep in today since I didn’t have to work, but was up at 6:30am wide awake, around 7:30am my old roomate from Hazelden called me. She sounds like she is doing very good, other than going nuts while she temporarly has to stay with her father.


I went to lunch with the Inlaws today. I ordered a Tilapia wood grilled entrĂ©e and I honostly have to say I was happily surprised and how good it was, I ate evrything on the plate and my sister inlaw made the comment that I didn’t have to clean my plate..lol…I guess I get that from Hazelden, they have pretty good food there, I discovered cus cus there, my new favorite starch. Our conversations went pretty good, I can totally see the lack of knowledge in his mother though when it comes to alcoholism, she made the comment that you can’t let the liqour control you, you have to control the liqour. I just wanted to bust out laughing and say, well when you’re an alcoholic you really don’t have that option. I didn’t ofcourse, she meant well. All in all it was nice to see them and I enjoyed it.

I got home around 4pm and since then really haven’t done anything, the girls are down in the basement playing rockband and hubby decided to go over to a neighbors, the neighbor he’s at is someone who while I was in treatment came up a lot, he is an alcoholic also, someone who we would regulary drink with. Throughout the last 2 years here, him and I have had several fueds. He’s the type of person who only see’s situations as black and white and when he drinks he flat out lies about stuff. Oh and the typical neighbor stuff like his kid does no wrong and my kids do. So needless to say I have some issues with him. Well hubby is over there and I am sure he is drinking, it’s 8pm now, so we’ll see when he gets home. Does this bother me knowing he’s over there drinking? umm I guess a little, not him drinking, just the social aspect of it and wondering if he’s bitching about me to him of all people. I guess it’s something that worrying about it won’t help. Though after checking online I did see that hubby did purchace a bottle tonight (all I have to say is it better not show up on our property).

I was sapose to go to the Mall of America to meet my sister, she’s getting married in August and I am the maid of honor. We were going to look for dresses but something came up so we will do it another time. So my new plan is to work on my Valentines cards, blog and clean…fun fun

Gratitude:

Sister in Law

Health

My dog

My friendships from Hazelden

Family

God

Well it’s 9:17pm, he’s still not back yet, kids are quiet so I am going to have a smoke then see if anything good is on TV.. Night

2/4/2010, 53 days sober!!!

Today has all around been a good day. I am just tired, seems like everyday, if it’s not work it’s 3 days of outpatient and then 3 AA meetings a week. I sapose it’s good I am busy, but I would just like to sit and have a day to do nothing. I do have Sat. off so I am meeting Hubby’s sister and Mother at RedLobster for lunch (haven’t eaten there in years). So Sunday is my only day off, I’ll probably spend it cleaning and then it’s the next 14 days without a day to do nothing.


Been struggeling with some finaqcial issues at home, Mortgage went into forclosure while I was in treatment, but we have managed to pay it up to date (Only to get behind again). Ton’s of bills from when daughter was hospitalized for seven day right befor I went to treatment and now the bills from treatment. I can choose to get really upset about it all, but am realizing there is not much I can do about it. Stressing won’t help so I am triing to think of some creative ways to deal with it all. Getting tired and have to work in the morning.

Gratitude:

fellowship

Kindness from AA members

Friendships

Health

Family

OH, I’m 53 days SOBER !!!!!!!! yay

2/2/2010, Repitition

Oh am I full! I actually managed to get a good amount of food in me today. As far as Hubby goes, I am still not sure. But for some reason I feel as if a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I have done some much praying this week God is probably tired of hearing from me..lol

I had outpatient today and it was very unproductive and not organized, I am doing stuff I already did in treatment and the whole program doesn’t seem very serious. I feel like I am sitting in a room for 3 hours doing nothing, but I do enjoy getting some of my frustrations at home out. I also go to AA there on Thursday mornings, so it’s a nice change from my home AA group. I guess it helps.

I have to work tomorrow so I will be going to bed early (4:30am just comes to fast).

Gratitude:

AA, Health, family, friends, God & sobriety

I hope for a positive and productive day tomorrow and am really looking forward to AA, after the beginning of this week I really need it.

Goals I would like to work on:

look into buisness classes.

be sober another 24 hrs.

Ask at work about Activities Program director/assistant credentials needed.

2/1/2010, Another emotional day

Well another emotional day. I sent an email to hubby’s sister telling her I was concerned about his drinking and needed some advice. Normally I wouldn’t involve his family but she knows him pretty well. She called me around 7:30 am and I explained everything to her and told her I was debating on asking him to leave the house and decide whether he wants to live in a sober house or not. She was of so much help and I was happy to hear that I wasn’t the only one that felt that he can be selfish (if that’s the right word). He has a tendency of only really doing things if it benefits himself , making a situation about him and his wants and needs, not anyone else’s. He’s not always like that, but a majority of the time he is. She suggested that I talk to my other resources and see what they have to say before talking to him, so I talked to my counselor at outpatient and my peers and they thought I wasn’t asking to much of him by doing that.


Well at 5:30pm I approached hubby about the whole drinking situation, how I felt, how it’s affecting the children and just the general of the topic and the beginning of the conversation turned out to be him blowing up at me, saying I was the reason he was doing this in so many words, that I am not there for him emotionally & physically. I didn’t argue with him, since I know that I have been withdrawn since being back from treatment, though knowing he is using all of that as an excuse and pointing the blame to me. The one thing he has yet to get is that several things in the past that he has done to me (long story, but I think he has a some sort of sexual addiction problem also, maybe I’ll get into that some other time). As a result of these things it has affected my sense of safety emotionally and my trust, so opening up and letting him in scares me because every time I do I seem to get hurt. OK getting off the subject a bit. Well I also told him that I was planning on asking him to leave and he just kind of looked at me. He did say he was sorry and wouldn’t bring liquor in the house or drink in the house, but if he wanted to go out and have a drink he was going to. Towards the end of the conversation he started to get a little snide and rude with his comments and ended the conversation by say “well when you figure out what you want to do get back to me”.

I really don’t feel that the conversation accomplished a lot. I guess I have some searching to do, I just wish I could get through to him, though I know I can’t fix him. I am concerned about his health, he managed to drink almost a whole liter of whiskey between sat & sun night. This is so messing with my sobriety & my program. The last 5 days I have been so focused on this I haven’t been doing my steps, readings and let alone eating or sleeping good. I haven’t worked on my blogs, couponing etc. Things just aren’t getting done.

1/31/2010, Just at a Loss!

Things today really haven’t gotten any better. Yesterday my 11 yr. old came up to me and said she had something to tell me about Daddy but wasn’t sure if she should or not. I told her I probably already new what it was and she said “ I found a bottle in the garage, so I hid it. Dad told us he was sober and I don’t want him to drink again and that’s why I hid it”. It just broke my heart that this little girl has put this burden on herself, so I told her that “she can’t make him quit, he has to decide to quit on his own. That she didn’t do anything wrong”.


Around 4pm yesterday hubby came into the room and asked me what was wrong (after yesterday and today of me seeming pretty mad and leaving those glasses out for him to see). I finally said “ You haven’t figured out why I’m upset?” and he said he had no clue, so I told him” I was mad that he has been drinking in the house and hiding bottles in the garage”. His response was to leave the room and not say anything. I feel like I am going to blow up! oh and here’s the kicker, about 2 hours later I told him that our daughter hid his bottle and her reasoning for it, instead of any remorse he gets mad at her and tells her he’s mad because she interfered. I feel so bad for her, she didn’t do anything wrong. I pulled her aside and reassured her she didn’t do anything wrong and I was proud of her honesty. She seemed pretty ok with it, but I’m sure inside she’s got a lot going on. When I first told her I was going to Hazelden she was very upset, very supportive but I suppose she was scared that I was leaving her and now I’m sure those thoughts could be running through her head about her dad also. Her and her sister have been through enough for goodness sake. OK back to the “kicker”, around 8pm last night he said he was going out to get something to eat, I had a suspicious feeling he was going to go to the liquor store, so I hopped online and sure as shit he bought another bottle. What the hell is he thinking after everything that has happened. Besides how the kids are feeling I feel like he has no respect for my sobriety, feelings and wishes. I just don’t know what to do, I know I am pissed and hurt though.

Anyhoo, I worked today, I came home and for some reason again I immediately went down to the bathroom cupboard again and found a empty water bottle filled with whisky and diet coke, about ready to blow I walked out to the garage with it and told hubby we needed to talk and showed him the bottle. As I expected the first thing out of his mouth was to tell me that I have been neglecting him (typical alcoholic response, blame other’s), so I walked out of the garage and went to AA. It was extremely emotional, I broke down at the meeting, pretty much held back tears through out the entire meeting. I met a woman there tonight and she kind of drew herself to me and was rubbing my arm to assure me it was ok (even thought she didn’t know what was wrong). We exchanged phone numbers which was nice.

I am sick of crying, I feel so sick to my stomach. Knowing what I know from treatment I do get it from his point of view (the drinking), but at the same time I have to put my sobriety first. Sounds selfish, but it’s what I have to do. I am exhausted emotionally and physically so I am going to bed.

Gratitude:

Honestly, right now AA and my children…Just hasn’t been a good day.

1/29/2010, Do I need Al-Anon?

Today started out FANTASTIC, I was in the best mood, full of positive energy. Work went very well, I actually enjoyed every moment of if and you could tell that the Residents noticed my energy also. It was just a great morning/afternoon.


Around 5:00pm tonight I went into the downstairs bathroom and for some reason I looked in the cabinet and found a plastic McDonalds cup with Whiskey and diet coke in it along with a cup that smelled like it also. Not knowing what to do I just sat the cups on the counter so my Husband would know that I found it. Damn it! I am so upset, we had an agreement before I came home that there would be no liquor in the house and on the property and he would not be drinking in the house. When I smelt the glass it triggered me, I sat there and thought “well if he’s drinking and hiding it so can I” (the wonderful “slick” talking in my head). I am so upset that he brought liquor in the house and that he hiding it also. It makes me feel like he is not supportive of my sobriety. To top it off I also found a bottle in his car. I’ve only been home for 3 weeks and he does this, I am so frustrated I don’t even know what to do.

Well on a happier note I had my 30 medallion ceremony tonight (it’s actually been more then 30 days, but they do the ceremonies and the end of each month). It went really well, we had two speakers and tons of food. I didn’t say much when I got mine because I get completely scared in front of a large group of people…lol. A lot of people brought family and friends and it was nice to see that they had support. Unfortunately I didn’t have anyone there for me other then the AA members. I was kind of having a pity party about it, with what happened earlier with hubby and no one at the ceremony it just really made me sad. I didn’t know you could bring people so in fairness I can’t be mad at hubby for not being there. Well I am going to try and deal with all these negative feelings and get a goodnights sleep.

Gratitude:

The residents @ work.

The fellowship

My children

God

1/24/2010, In Laws, who would've known...

Today was a pretty uneventful day. I managed to get some cleaning and baking done. I spoke with hubby’s sister today and we had a really good conversation. She seems to understand that it bugs me that he goes and drinks (which I guess is ok as long as no liquor or drinking is being done in the house like we agreed when I was in treatment). it was just nice to have some support from her. We will be meeting for lunch feb. 6th with my Mother in Law also, so that should be interesting since I haven’t seen either of them since way before treatment.


Went to AA tonight, but it was kind of funny because no one showed up except myself and 2 guys (the Vikings were playing). Oh well, it was at least nice to get out of the house. Going to try something new with my journaling and voice my gratitude’s, not really sure what I am doing but thought I would give it a try.

Gratitude:
For my family

Friendly cashier @ kwick trip

My AA meetings & peers

1/20/2010, Back to work

Just got home from AA,, it was an ok meeting, despite how boring some of them can be (the people). I try to take something out of each meeting. I might have a sponsor too, she gave me her number so I might call her and see if she wants to go have coffee or something. We’ll see.


Today was my first day back to work. I was glad to get back. The more I think of it the more I am leaning towards getting a different job working in the “activities” department, I would really prefer the one on one time that you get. Something to look into down the road.

Tomorrow I have out patient and am waiting for a phone call from work to see if they are going to fix my schedule (they have me working day’s I am not suppose to be on the schedule). Shouldn’t be a problem though.

1/18/2010, Mother daughter Bonding

Not to exciting of a day, I was suppose to have my first IOP meeting (intensive outpatient) but my 11 yr. old wasn’t feeling well and didn’t go to School, so I stayed home with her. Most of my day consisted of clipping coupons and looking for deals on the web. I think this is my new addiction..lol, turns out I really get a kick out of getting something almost for free, I am thinking about starting a separate blog just for that, ya never know. The day could’ve been more productive but my frame of mind just wasn’t there.


I forgot to journal the other day (Jan 16th) My oldest daughter and I spent the day together. I have so much guilt and shame when it comes to my children, but with her it’s really hard I just don’t feel like I know her anymore. While I was drinking I really didn’t enforce any major rules other than be home before dark and I always had to know where she was. She’s always been a great kid and has never gotten in trouble so I do have trust in her. She’s a typical 14 yr. old, but for me her appearance has change so dramatically over the last year, she went from the little preppy looking kid to a gothic/emo looking, even her music has changed and whats really strange about it, she still has all the same friends from grade School and none of them dress like her, I just keep telling myself that she is discovering who she is. Any way’s back to our day together, it was great! we went shopping at a few stores, walked around the mall and had lunch, I really enjoyed the one on one time with her. Hope to do it again soon. Getting tired so I am off to bed.

1/17/2010, Boring days bring urges

Today was a hard day. My 11 yr. old daughter had a friend stay the night and I ended up staying home all day. With a long boring day I guess I should’ve saw the urge to drink happen. No, I didn’t drink, but I thought about it a few times. I ended up clipping a ton of coupons and cleaned for a bit. Seemed to help some.


I just came back from an AA meeting and it went great, I really needed a meeting to re-set my cravings and boy it did, I feel completely re-charged. The group suggested I attend the Wednesday meeting because there are actually woman there (Sunday’s it’s all men, but they welcome me). One of the guys also said that he would talk to a few of the Woman to make sure they attend on Wednesday, hoping I will be able to find a sponsor then. Well enough of my non productive day I am off to watch desperate housewife’s (haven’t seen it since before treatment).

1/14/2010, Sobor Communication?

Today started off good. I ran some errands, spent way to much money grocery shopping, but at least we have food now. Before shopping I cleaned out the pantry and can’t believe how much food I had to throw away, what a waste. Among that I finished the bathroom, hung the new shower curtain (which I have to say looks really nice and modern. I unclogged a sink and scrubbed the floors. There is more cleaning to do, but I am done for now.


Hubby and I are slowly starting to communicate better since I’ve been back. I don’t know how to explained it but we have always had an “intoxicated” relationship, we have both pretty much drank since we met. I don’t have much of a choice now other than to communicate “sober”, it’s a whole new way of life, scary but that’s how it has to be. It is just weird now and I am hoping that hubby can understand from my point of view how different things are for me, I know it’s not always going to feel this way, I am just in a fluster right now.

I talked to one of the girls from treatment tonight and unfortunately she is having some pretty big problems and I really hope she can pull through everything. So she will be in my thought’s and prayers…Well off to bed.

1/13/2010, busy cleaning

I didn’t get a whole bunch done this morning. Woke up @ 6am with horrible cramps and decided just to stay up till the kids get off to School. I went back to bed and shocked myself by sleeping till 11am, I must’ve needed to the sleep..lol. I did manage to get some cleaning done. I re-arranged the living room (had to make it different than what I was use to, sitting in the same spot where I use to drink didn’t seem like a good idea). I also got the entryway cleaned and now I am painting the bathroom (taking a break to let the first coat dry and watching American Idol).


I decided to skip my AA meeting tonight so I could finish painting even though I know I should’ve gone. Spoke with two of the girls that are still at Hazelden today and was debating if I should meet one of them at the airport when it’s her time to head home, I guess it all depends what’s going on.

I’ve been a little concerned about returning to work due to the fact that we live in a small town and I’m not sure who knows where I went and why. I guess I’ll deal with that if it comes up. Well gonna finish painting.

1/12/2010, Adjusting to home life

I haven’t written in awhile, it’s been four days since I got home and for the most part things have been ok. The first day was really awkward, I really didn’t know what to do. I had my 1st AA meeting on Sunday. I walked in the room and it was 7 men and just me, felt weird but all in all it went well.

Today I met one of the woman I met in treatment at the airport (she was going home from Hazelden). It was nice to see her, it almost felt like I was back in treatment (which I call now my “bubble” my safe zone). We sat and talked for about an hour before her flight left, it was sad to say goodbye, but I have a very strong feeling that we will remain friends and talk frequently. Also today my old Roommate from there called me today. It was awesome to have talked with two of the girls there, it made my day.

I had my intake for my IOP (intensive out patient) today. I’m really looking forward to doing the program. I’ve only had a couple urges to drink since being home, but I have been trying to keep myself really busy with crafts etc to keep my mind off it, so far seems to be helping. Well I am going to end this good day and get to bed.

Jan 2-9th, 2010...Goodbye Hazelden

Well I have very busy this week. I leave today and I am very excited and scared at the same time. Not really sure what to do, I know I am going to miss A LOT of the woman I have met here, some of them I have bonded with very strongly and hope to keep in contact with them for a long time. Man I have so many thoughts running through my head I can’t even think. I have to go out and get my car (hoping it’ll start since it’s been sitting out there for the last 28 days).

Here are some of my favorite “sayings” I heard this week at lecture’s :

My worst day sober is better then my best day drinking.


There’s power in a group


I’m not an alcoholic because life sucked, I’m an alcoholic because I’m an alcoholic.


People are tired of hearing you say your sorry.


Using help when we need it leads to successful life.



…and last but not least…

The Relapse Prayer

No matter what happens today, I won’t relapse.

If I relapse, it will make things worse, not better.

If I don’t relapse, these will pass and I will be free in recovery.



Well GOOD BYE Hazelden and welcome the new journey of my life.

1/2/2010, Pissed, Hurt & Disappointed

Well today really sucked! I feel like I have been climbing up all these steps to get to the other side of recovery. Hubby and the girls visited yesterday and my 11 yr. old informed me that hubby had been drinking (he told me that he quit about 2 weeks ago) and said that he did because it was New Years Eve. Now my 11 yr. old is making excuses for drinking. It just breaks my heart. Right now my emotions are in a big ball of confusion.


I am pissed, hurt and disappointed. Luckily I have been in the family program (it’s when family members of the patients come for a few days and talk with patients, go to lectures etc.. So they can learn and we can learn from each others point of view). Ok, I honestly have to say that because of the family program I have come to the realization that there is nothing I can do about it, that it’s not my problem to solve. At the same time I don’t know what to do if he is still drinking. Is it going to be something that I can handle? How is this going to affect all of us? I just don’t know what to do. I am hoping I have an appointment with my counselor or therapist soon because I really need to talk to someone. UGG

12/31/2009, New Year's Eve in treatment

Been a few days since I’ve written. Well yesterday has been a strange day of emotions. I just have an unsettled feeling. The thought of going home scares me a bit, not knowing what is going to happen. How my relationship with Hubby is going to be like. I just hear something strange in his voice when I talk to him, maybe he is feeling the same, I just don’t know.

I received my after care plan today. I will be going to IOP (Intensive outpatient). Which the counselor would rather have me go to a sober house because of Hubby’s drinking, but I refused to go. The IOP will be for 3 days a week for 7 weeks, then 1 night a week for 5 weeks. So I am going to have to call work to make sure they can go around that schedule.

Tonight we did a medallion ceremony for one of our girls. She is such a fun person to have on the unit and she will be missed. But it will be interesting to see how the dynamics of the group change. Recently there has been some drama between a few girls and it pretty much has been stressing everyone out.

On a happy note, one of the girls here decided to go out and get everyone a stuffed animal, she individually picked one out for each of us based on our personalities etc. She has called them all are "Sobor Buddies", I got a cocker spaniel with cute fuzzy ears which is great because I have been missing my dogs at home. This was such a thoughful thing for her to do, what a way to end 2009 and start 2010 !

During the lectures the last few days I learned:

Not everyone has to like me for me to have value’s.


Forgiveness is a gift I give to myself when I am stuck.


“The one who counts the most is the one staring back at you from the glass”.


Courage- is fear that says a prayer


We can be restored to sanity.

12/25/2009, MERRY CHRISTMAS

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!


This should be a happy day but I guess I am having a pity party, I was hoping the hubby and girls would come visit, but the weather is just to bad. It’s hard to see some of the other woman having visitors, but I guess I’ll try and make the best of it. Of course the best gift I am giving myself and my family is by being here.

There really isn’t much staff here today so it’s pretty quiet. Most of the programs today have been canceled, so I have a lot of sitting around time. This morning though at group, two of the younger woman said to me that since I have been here I now have a glow about me, that I look a lot better and I have came out of my shell. It gives me hope that others see this and re-assures me that I am on the right path to my recovery. I am however a little scared for what happens when I get home,, especially if Hubby is still drinking. I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

I received a phone call from my Uncle tonight, it was a huge surprise. I haven’t talked to him in 5 years or so and my Cousin also called me, it was very nice to hear there support for me.

As far as my recovery goes I feel I am making some progress. I am learning to identify my feelings, though I haven’t mastered it yet I have hope, I just look back over the last 8+ years that I have been so out of touch with who I am and what I want,, along with my feelings. It’s a learning process that I will be working on forever probably. I came here with the thought that it was just about “quitting” drinking, not realizing there was so much work to it,, the: Why you drink, What triggers you, Past problems etc….This is to much work, I didn’t sign up for this…lol

Lecture tonight was great, very uplifting and brought a lot of hope to my recovery.

A few words that stuck with me are:

Hope is recovery, recover is hope.


All the stuff in the past happened “yesterday”, Today is Today.


We don’t always have another “sobering up”.


Change who you use to be.


The day I am most complacent with my disease is the day I am going to use.


Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body and spirit.


Alcoholism is a family disease.

12/21/2009, "28 days"<---the movie

2:00pm, Today so far has been a pretty goofy but busy day. I have a little time to sit finally. I’m pretty sure the hubby and girls won’t be able to visit Christmas day because there is a big snow storm coming. I am hoping if they can’t make it then, that on Sunday they can visit. Should make for an interesting Christmas.

10:00pm, Done with the day and us woman are in the TV room watching the movie “28 days”. I’ve seen it before but never related to it. Now that I am in treatment it is really funny how similar some of the things in the movie are. lol..Highly recommend watching it if you have ever been in treatment, very funny!

I just got off the phone with my hubby and for the 2nd time he asked me if I was going to leave him. I have no clue why he keeps asking me that. I am a little worried about him, between the stress of the news that our house is going into foreclosure, work and taking care of the kids plus his decision to quit drinking also (he is also a daily drinker, but he prefers whiskey and is what you would call a “functioning” alcoholic). I think he may be overwhelmed with everything and from where I am at, there is nothing I can do. I hope everything will be fine.

Some things I have learned from the lectures the last few days are:

Fear can hold you prisoner, hope can set you free.


Your going to have to sacrifice some things for your recovery whether you want to or not.


Despite the consequences, you still drink.


When using, you compromise your values and morals.


Step out of your comfort zone, it’s ok to be vulnerable


Planning to drink on a “special” occasion is setting up the foundation for a relapse.

Attitude of Gratitude

12/20/2009, What are my feelings?

It’s been a few day’s since I have written. I have been really busy with everything they have you doing, but I am learning a lot and trying to get in touch with my feelings. I find it difficult to decipher how I am feeling. Basically I don’t know how to verbally express anything other that sad, mad and happy. So it’s going to be a long journey.

One of the assignments I got today is to write a letter to my 14 yr. old daughter. I am suppose to express to her, how I feel and what I would want for her if she was using. I have opted to hold off on doing this until I am more educated with my own problems. It’s just a really tough subject for me to deal with at the moment.

Yesterday was Sunday “Visitor Day”. My husband and the girls came out around 1:30pm and my Mother , sister and niece came around 3pm. It was a nice visit. I really enjoyed seeing them. Boy did I miss the girls. My mother brought me some Christmas presents. Socks, sweatshirt, gum, candy and some lotion. My sister also got me a pretty silver necklace that the charm on it looks like a ring and has a quote on it. When they all left it was very hard, but I was so happy that they came.

Today in the unit we got 4 new woman ranging from the age 26-50 yrs. old. They seem pretty nice. So actually when it comes time for me to leave people I know will be here, since most of the woman that were here when I arrived will be leaving soon.

12/15/2009, 4 days Sobor

11:00pm, Today was a pretty busy day. I actually got about 5-6 hours of sleep. I was only emotional a couple times today, so that’s improving. I had my Butterfly ceremony tonight, which was a bit uncomfortable (don’t like being the center of attention in that way). They blew bubbles, rand bells etc… It reminded me of the movie “The yaya sisters. But to be honest I feel like I belong to something now.

Tomorrow I meet with my Counselor and discuss my care plan. I am pretty sure I’ll break down and cry. She has this effect of when you show any sign of emotion she’ll push you to find out more.

I am Thankful for this opportunity to become sober. I have not drank in 4 days and though it may not sound like much, it is the 1st time in about 10 years that I have ever gone that long with out drinking. Sad to admit, but it’s the truth. I’ve discovered today that I need to get back in touch with God/Higher Power. I’m thinking about going to Church this Sunday (They have shuttles that take the patients to churches if you want to go).

With all the lectures today I have learned that:

Being honest with yourself and others will free you


That I have been malnutrition my body due to drinking.

Well going to go to bed, it’s late. I so dearly miss my family. I am counting the day’s till Sunday for when they come to visit.

12/14/2009, With drinking, what have I accomplished this last year?

Woke up @ 5:30 am and in a good mood. Had a good breakfast and then a morning meeting, I broke down a bit when it came to talking about my family. I am finding it hard to admit my guilt in rearguards to my family and the things I’ve done to them while drinking. I feel so bad for how I emotionally have been neglecting my children and Husband. I guess it’s part of the process of getting in touch and learning about this whole process. It’s almost dinner time so I am going to start reading my 12-step book that they gave me (I am suppose to read 10 chapters between 2 books by Friday).

10:11pm, Evening lecture went well. The speaker was pretty funny, he is a former pot smoker and drinker, stayed sober for 15 years and then fell off the wagon several times over the years.

What I gained from the lecture was:

“By the time you relapse, something was already set in motion” and to make sure you do your steps, meetings and readings.


My WOW moment during the lecture was when he said:


“With drinking, what have I accomplished this last year?”

Emotionally today I am feeling ok. I kind of got scolded by one of the woman in the unit today because her son called and I didn’t write down the message, mind you it was the first time I answered the phone. I got upset and started crying about it, I guess I am being a little sensitive and irritable about it, in regard to what’s going on I am sure it’s expected. So I took a bath tonight hoping it would help relax me, but the tub is so shallow it kind of made it hard, plus the water kept draining out of the tub..lol

I guess tomorrow I have my Butterfly ceremony, Which I guess is something they do to welcome you into the sisterhood of the unit (I will leave the unit name out for the privacy of the other woman). Well I suppose I should head off to bed realizing that I am craving beer at the moment. I am sitting in the TV room and am assuming it’s because it late, I’m watching TV and pretty much at home if I was doing this I would be drinking. Should I get up and walk away? or just deal with it? I’m just not sure how this all works yet.

Well I am going to go out for a smoke then get some reading done before going to bed.

12/13/2009, Survived the 1st night

Well I made it through the first night, sleeping wasn’t the best. I must be having withdrawals, was having cold sweats all night and only managed to get a few hours of sleep. I feel like I am in another world. I have yet to grasp the reality of it all. this morning I met with a mental health person (I suppose to find out what all my “needs” are, it seemed to go well though. I’ve heard that around lunch time my “buddy” from the unit I will be going to will be picking me up and showing me the ropes (the schedules, where my room is etc..).

Well, my buddy picked me up, she is very nice and very soft spoken. I am on my unit now in my room. I think I got lucky because I am in the newer part of the building, very large rooms (3 beds to a room, a sitting area, bathroom and a separate sink and counter area) My “cubical/bed” area consist of a bed, desk and armoire, it’s all very nice. We all apparently have chores every morning, which isn’t a big deal.

I’m sitting here now wondering what I am suppose to be doing. It is Sunday and it is also visitor day. Since I just got here the hubby and kids won’t be visiting. I find myself very sad, I can barely contain my tears. There is about 10 other girls/woman on the unit and pretty much all of them have visitors. Seeing all these husbands and children that aren’t mine is just making me sad, I really want to go home at this point and crawl into a ball.

I went to a lecture today, it was pretty good. Some things I found in common with what he had to say was:

Waking up & saying I’m never going to drink again.


Protecting his alcohol supply (making sure he wouldn’t run out.


The more he drank the more he fantasized about “being something more”.



He also suggested that when you leave treatment we should attend AA meetings the day we get out. One thing he did say that I really like was:

“YOU CAN ALWAYS START YOUR DAY OVER”

Well it’s been a long day and from what I hear tomorrow is going to be busy. My schedule as of now looks like I will be pretty busy. I have to take some test that is 3 hours long to determine my IQ and if I’m crazy..lol, I’m not really sure.

Well it’s been a long day and I am going to try and get some sleep.

12/12/2009, Today's the Day

Today’s the day, I’m going to treatment and actually looking forward to it. (Scared shitless, but know I’m making the right decision.) I arrive at Hazelden and of course have to sit in the parking lot and have my last beer and to be honest it really didn’t even taste good, but boy I had to have that last one…lol


After Checking in:

Well I am sitting here waiting for the staff to go through my bags, they already had my car searched so now I sit. The room is cold and very dull. I’m wishy washy with emotions, One minute I am nervous and the next I am crying and wanting to go home. I just keep telling myself to just work through this.

I am in the medical part of the building (where everyone goes to detox). I haven’t met anyone yet. I went out for a cigarette and some strange younger guy was talking to me trying to guess what my “drug of choice was”. What a freak ! Now I really want to go home.

I think today and tonight are going to be the toughest for me. I’ve only been gone from home for a few hours and I miss everyone already. I feel like that is going to be a struggle for me. I look forward to talking to them tomorrow.

December 2009, Short Introduction

I’ll start off by letting you know a bit about myself. I am a 36 yr. old wife and mother of 2 girls (11 & 14). I recently went back to work as a Nursing Assistant (which I really enjoy doing, but not my dream job).


My home life is many things, but the last few years it has been pretty unstable and not a happy place. My husband isn’t very happy with our marriage, our oldest daughter has gone through some dramatic appearance changes and our 11 yr. old always keeps us on our toes. We live in a small town, a decent size house and my husband runs his own business and financially we were doing really well until the economy went downhill.

About 3 years ago I realized that my drinking had gotten out of control, to the point that I (who weighed 100lbs. then) was drinking about 8-10 beers a night. I was neglecting my duties as a stay at home mom, wife and homemaker. Socially the only time I did anything was if there was alcohol involved and if I had to leave the house to attend a function I would usually have a couple beers before going so I have a buzz. I missed School functions for the kids, I would cancel plans so I could sit home and drink and a lot of the time I would be so lit by dinner time that I wouldn’t cook dinner, leaving my husband to take care of that.

To make a long story short, my drinking increased over the years from 2002 till the day I entered treatment. I decided 3 years after coming to the realization that my drinking was out of control to admit myself into Hazeldens 28 day inpatient treatment program. I feel today that it was the best decision I could’ve made for myself and my family.

So with all that said I decided to start a blog about my recovery, daily life etc… I journaled while in treatment and have decided to post those entries also. Please keep in mind I am not a writer, my grammar, spelling etc. really stinks…lol