Monday, May 23, 2011

Lets change things up!

I just briefly went through some of my past post's and geeze am I a bummer! Despite whats going on with hubby and I, I am actually in a pretty great place, I LOVE my new jobs. I'm a receptionist for a long term care facility and my other job is a photographers assistant for newborns.VERY happy with that!

I really do have so much to be thankful for!

ok, now gonna run off and see if I can find a new design for the blog.


Roller Coaster of Emotions

Gee, where shall I

I finally confronted husband on his drinking and basically got no where,he said he doesn't think he's an alcoholic and he only quit last year because he thought it would be the end of us. Since there hasn't been any improvement in out relationship that is why he is drinking again now. To me it's a typical  alcoholic response. By the end of our conversation my head was spinning, somehow the conversation turned into what I am not doing in this relationship etc...We didn't get to finish the conversation because our oldest daughter came home from School early and I refused to keep talking while she was home.

Fast forward to a couple days later, tried to start up the conversation and after some talking he said,  "I'll call an attorney, make a list of what you need "(assumed he meant financial). Strange as it sounds, part of me was relieved. Neither one of us have been happy for the last several years and our relationship is pretty dysfunctional, then add alcohol to the mix and everything is upside down. now we move on to the next day. I'm at work and he calls to find out if I have any idea's for dinner. I get home and he asks me if I want to go to Lowe's to look at patio furniture. At this point I am wondering what the hell is going on. Divorce yesterday and now you want to pick out patio furniture? what the hell! So I ask him "Was I the only one present in yesterday's conversation?". He precedes to tell me he did go talk to an attorney (didn't tell me what was said) but that he's "trying" to make this work and suggest counseling.

I am going to take him up on it, though I am skeptic about his motivation to do so, especially after he already talked to an attorney. I figure I can't walk away from this marriage until I know I have really made an effort to make it work. So we'll see...Maybe I'll find out just how crazy I

I spent the majority of the day in tears and calling on my friends for support. To most this was no surprise. Still, I have 19 years with him and two children. Is this really what I want?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Husband Drinking again :(

I am at such a loss for words these days, I recently discovered my Husband has been drinking again. I found a stash of whiskey bottles in the garage and am completely devastated by this revelation. How long has he been drinking? I have yet to ask. I have been going over and over what I want to say to him for a week now and just can't find the courage to approach him. He is unaware that I know yet, so I have just been going about my day as normal with him till I can talk to him.

The drinking is just the tip of the iceberg, we've been together for 19 years and through out the majority of our relationship we have had problems. Without going into to much detail there is alot and I mean alot of trust issues I have with him. He has bouts of controlling behaviors and over the last 18 months of myself being sober I have realized that he doesn't have very much respect for me, I'm always on a "need to know" basis with him and I think it's bullshit. My list of complaints could go on, but I have been really working hard on triing to get rid of all these resentments, but it always seems like when I work through one he goes and makes a bonehead decision or talks to me in a demeaning way and it brings back those negative feelings.

I have many scenarios for what our conversation might be like and how he'll react. I know I can't make him quit drinking, it's going to be a decision he needs to come to, BUT I cant live with him while he is drinking. When I first saw his stash the thought of "well I can drink if he's drinking"... How dumb is that! No I haven't drank, I am coming up on 18 months sobriety June 13th.

So it all boils down to What am I going to say to him? Do I ask him to leave till he figures out if he wants to quit? Do I say you need to quit and I want you to go to 90 meeting in 90 days? Do I file for divorce? I really don't know what to do. I honestly am fed up, I'm worried about how this is going to affect the kids and if we would split what will I do financially?

Al-Anon~ I have been to a meeting and hoping I can make it to one after work tonight and another one on Wednesday.

Well need to get ready for work, hoping the senior citizens will brighten mood.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Worn Out

I am really in a funk and just can't seem to get out of it. I just feel so down and tired. Part of me wonders if it's from my surgery (had a fallopian tube, ovary and cyst removed beginning of January). Not sure if it's messing with my hormones or what.

Sobriety is going good, other then with the stress of everything I have been having alot of drinking dreams and of wine. I never drank wine nor liked the taste of it, kinda a bit strange to me. I am triing to get back into my routine of three meetings a week, doesn't always work with my work schedule, but I guess I haven't been making much of an effort to find other meetings then just my home group.This week I am planning on going to my first Al-anon meeting.Hoping that'll help me with some of my issues with hubby.

The girls are driving me nuts! 15 & 12 and they think they know everything, my oldest always seems so angry with me and the 12yr. old is just disrespectful. I know I am not a horrible parent, but obviously I am not doing something right. Just need to figure out what that is I guess.

Well, I need to get dinner started and get ready for my meeting tonight (I am looking so forward to it).

I read in one of my readings today:

Five simple prescriptions for the maintenance of mental and emotional health:

*Assert yourself: No one can respond to what you don't say.
*Be teachable: The ignorance you won't admit will catch up with you.
*Find confidants: Friends double your joys and divide your sorrows.
*Contribute something: Takers end up empty handed.
*Live today: Anyone can be strong for twenty-four hours.

Now I just need to actually take that advice, and wonderful advice it is.


Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Hanging on by a thread

Wow, didn't realize I hadn't posted in so long. Since April I have had a job change and really not happy with my decision. I am currently working retail and lets just say I hate it. I've been looking to go back into the health care field, I got so much out of it and in retail I feel like a robot. So hopefully I will be able to find something soon because I'm just not happy.

My marriage these days doesn't seem to be doing that great, though we are both still sober, so much has seemed to change. We no longer communicate and when we do it isn't that great. Yesterday he decided to cut me off of "his" money, so now I have NO money. I was left with $10 to get me to work and to eat, needless to say all I ate yesterday was a 5 piece nugget and 1/2 a bag of cheeto's. I am so angry with him, I feel that by him doing this is very sneaky and controlling. I went through controlling behavior with him durring the first few years of our relationship and really not sure I want to go through it again. I know he is upset with how much money I am spending, but really I am not out shopping alot and all he has to do is look at the statement to see where the money going, but I think all he is looking at is whats "going out" and not whats being spent.

Honostly, we should've sat down and talked about this, worked out a budget etc. Instead of me going online and finding this out, This is so wrong!

On a happy note, my sobriety is #1 and I don't plan on that changing anytime soon. I just need to find my serenity again..