1/31/2010, Just at a Loss!

Things today really haven’t gotten any better. Yesterday my 11 yr. old came up to me and said she had something to tell me about Daddy but wasn’t sure if she should or not. I told her I probably already new what it was and she said “ I found a bottle in the garage, so I hid it. Dad told us he was sober and I don’t want him to drink again and that’s why I hid it”. It just broke my heart that this little girl has put this burden on herself, so I told her that “she can’t make him quit, he has to decide to quit on his own. That she didn’t do anything wrong”.


Around 4pm yesterday hubby came into the room and asked me what was wrong (after yesterday and today of me seeming pretty mad and leaving those glasses out for him to see). I finally said “ You haven’t figured out why I’m upset?” and he said he had no clue, so I told him” I was mad that he has been drinking in the house and hiding bottles in the garage”. His response was to leave the room and not say anything. I feel like I am going to blow up! oh and here’s the kicker, about 2 hours later I told him that our daughter hid his bottle and her reasoning for it, instead of any remorse he gets mad at her and tells her he’s mad because she interfered. I feel so bad for her, she didn’t do anything wrong. I pulled her aside and reassured her she didn’t do anything wrong and I was proud of her honesty. She seemed pretty ok with it, but I’m sure inside she’s got a lot going on. When I first told her I was going to Hazelden she was very upset, very supportive but I suppose she was scared that I was leaving her and now I’m sure those thoughts could be running through her head about her dad also. Her and her sister have been through enough for goodness sake. OK back to the “kicker”, around 8pm last night he said he was going out to get something to eat, I had a suspicious feeling he was going to go to the liquor store, so I hopped online and sure as shit he bought another bottle. What the hell is he thinking after everything that has happened. Besides how the kids are feeling I feel like he has no respect for my sobriety, feelings and wishes. I just don’t know what to do, I know I am pissed and hurt though.

Anyhoo, I worked today, I came home and for some reason again I immediately went down to the bathroom cupboard again and found a empty water bottle filled with whisky and diet coke, about ready to blow I walked out to the garage with it and told hubby we needed to talk and showed him the bottle. As I expected the first thing out of his mouth was to tell me that I have been neglecting him (typical alcoholic response, blame other’s), so I walked out of the garage and went to AA. It was extremely emotional, I broke down at the meeting, pretty much held back tears through out the entire meeting. I met a woman there tonight and she kind of drew herself to me and was rubbing my arm to assure me it was ok (even thought she didn’t know what was wrong). We exchanged phone numbers which was nice.

I am sick of crying, I feel so sick to my stomach. Knowing what I know from treatment I do get it from his point of view (the drinking), but at the same time I have to put my sobriety first. Sounds selfish, but it’s what I have to do. I am exhausted emotionally and physically so I am going to bed.

Gratitude:

Honestly, right now AA and my children…Just hasn’t been a good day.