Thursday, February 11, 2010

2/1/2010, Another emotional day

Well another emotional day. I sent an email to hubby’s sister telling her I was concerned about his drinking and needed some advice. Normally I wouldn’t involve his family but she knows him pretty well. She called me around 7:30 am and I explained everything to her and told her I was debating on asking him to leave the house and decide whether he wants to live in a sober house or not. She was of so much help and I was happy to hear that I wasn’t the only one that felt that he can be selfish (if that’s the right word). He has a tendency of only really doing things if it benefits himself , making a situation about him and his wants and needs, not anyone else’s. He’s not always like that, but a majority of the time he is. She suggested that I talk to my other resources and see what they have to say before talking to him, so I talked to my counselor at outpatient and my peers and they thought I wasn’t asking to much of him by doing that.

Well at 5:30pm I approached hubby about the whole drinking situation, how I felt, how it’s affecting the children and just the general of the topic and the beginning of the conversation turned out to be him blowing up at me, saying I was the reason he was doing this in so many words, that I am not there for him emotionally & physically. I didn’t argue with him, since I know that I have been withdrawn since being back from treatment, though knowing he is using all of that as an excuse and pointing the blame to me. The one thing he has yet to get is that several things in the past that he has done to me (long story, but I think he has a some sort of sexual addiction problem also, maybe I’ll get into that some other time). As a result of these things it has affected my sense of safety emotionally and my trust, so opening up and letting him in scares me because every time I do I seem to get hurt. OK getting off the subject a bit. Well I also told him that I was planning on asking him to leave and he just kind of looked at me. He did say he was sorry and wouldn’t bring liquor in the house or drink in the house, but if he wanted to go out and have a drink he was going to. Towards the end of the conversation he started to get a little snide and rude with his comments and ended the conversation by say “well when you figure out what you want to do get back to me”.

I really don’t feel that the conversation accomplished a lot. I guess I have some searching to do, I just wish I could get through to him, though I know I can’t fix him. I am concerned about his health, he managed to drink almost a whole liter of whiskey between sat & sun night. This is so messing with my sobriety & my program. The last 5 days I have been so focused on this I haven’t been doing my steps, readings and let alone eating or sleeping good. I haven’t worked on my blogs, couponing etc. Things just aren’t getting done.

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