Thursday, February 11, 2010

12/14/2009, With drinking, what have I accomplished this last year?

Woke up @ 5:30 am and in a good mood. Had a good breakfast and then a morning meeting, I broke down a bit when it came to talking about my family. I am finding it hard to admit my guilt in rearguards to my family and the things I’ve done to them while drinking. I feel so bad for how I emotionally have been neglecting my children and Husband. I guess it’s part of the process of getting in touch and learning about this whole process. It’s almost dinner time so I am going to start reading my 12-step book that they gave me (I am suppose to read 10 chapters between 2 books by Friday).

10:11pm, Evening lecture went well. The speaker was pretty funny, he is a former pot smoker and drinker, stayed sober for 15 years and then fell off the wagon several times over the years.

What I gained from the lecture was:

“By the time you relapse, something was already set in motion” and to make sure you do your steps, meetings and readings.

My WOW moment during the lecture was when he said:

“With drinking, what have I accomplished this last year?”

Emotionally today I am feeling ok. I kind of got scolded by one of the woman in the unit today because her son called and I didn’t write down the message, mind you it was the first time I answered the phone. I got upset and started crying about it, I guess I am being a little sensitive and irritable about it, in regard to what’s going on I am sure it’s expected. So I took a bath tonight hoping it would help relax me, but the tub is so shallow it kind of made it hard, plus the water kept draining out of the

I guess tomorrow I have my Butterfly ceremony, Which I guess is something they do to welcome you into the sisterhood of the unit (I will leave the unit name out for the privacy of the other woman). Well I suppose I should head off to bed realizing that I am craving beer at the moment. I am sitting in the TV room and am assuming it’s because it late, I’m watching TV and pretty much at home if I was doing this I would be drinking. Should I get up and walk away? or just deal with it? I’m just not sure how this all works yet.

Well I am going to go out for a smoke then get some reading done before going to bed.

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