Monday, May 23, 2011

Lets change things up!

I just briefly went through some of my past post's and geeze am I a bummer! Despite whats going on with hubby and I, I am actually in a pretty great place, I LOVE my new jobs. I'm a receptionist for a long term care facility and my other job is a photographers assistant for newborns.VERY happy with that!

I really do have so much to be thankful for!

ok, now gonna run off and see if I can find a new design for the blog.


Roller Coaster of Emotions

Gee, where shall I

I finally confronted husband on his drinking and basically got no where,he said he doesn't think he's an alcoholic and he only quit last year because he thought it would be the end of us. Since there hasn't been any improvement in out relationship that is why he is drinking again now. To me it's a typical  alcoholic response. By the end of our conversation my head was spinning, somehow the conversation turned into what I am not doing in this relationship etc...We didn't get to finish the conversation because our oldest daughter came home from School early and I refused to keep talking while she was home.

Fast forward to a couple days later, tried to start up the conversation and after some talking he said,  "I'll call an attorney, make a list of what you need "(assumed he meant financial). Strange as it sounds, part of me was relieved. Neither one of us have been happy for the last several years and our relationship is pretty dysfunctional, then add alcohol to the mix and everything is upside down. now we move on to the next day. I'm at work and he calls to find out if I have any idea's for dinner. I get home and he asks me if I want to go to Lowe's to look at patio furniture. At this point I am wondering what the hell is going on. Divorce yesterday and now you want to pick out patio furniture? what the hell! So I ask him "Was I the only one present in yesterday's conversation?". He precedes to tell me he did go talk to an attorney (didn't tell me what was said) but that he's "trying" to make this work and suggest counseling.

I am going to take him up on it, though I am skeptic about his motivation to do so, especially after he already talked to an attorney. I figure I can't walk away from this marriage until I know I have really made an effort to make it work. So we'll see...Maybe I'll find out just how crazy I

I spent the majority of the day in tears and calling on my friends for support. To most this was no surprise. Still, I have 19 years with him and two children. Is this really what I want?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Husband Drinking again :(

I am at such a loss for words these days, I recently discovered my Husband has been drinking again. I found a stash of whiskey bottles in the garage and am completely devastated by this revelation. How long has he been drinking? I have yet to ask. I have been going over and over what I want to say to him for a week now and just can't find the courage to approach him. He is unaware that I know yet, so I have just been going about my day as normal with him till I can talk to him.

The drinking is just the tip of the iceberg, we've been together for 19 years and through out the majority of our relationship we have had problems. Without going into to much detail there is alot and I mean alot of trust issues I have with him. He has bouts of controlling behaviors and over the last 18 months of myself being sober I have realized that he doesn't have very much respect for me, I'm always on a "need to know" basis with him and I think it's bullshit. My list of complaints could go on, but I have been really working hard on triing to get rid of all these resentments, but it always seems like when I work through one he goes and makes a bonehead decision or talks to me in a demeaning way and it brings back those negative feelings.

I have many scenarios for what our conversation might be like and how he'll react. I know I can't make him quit drinking, it's going to be a decision he needs to come to, BUT I cant live with him while he is drinking. When I first saw his stash the thought of "well I can drink if he's drinking"... How dumb is that! No I haven't drank, I am coming up on 18 months sobriety June 13th.

So it all boils down to What am I going to say to him? Do I ask him to leave till he figures out if he wants to quit? Do I say you need to quit and I want you to go to 90 meeting in 90 days? Do I file for divorce? I really don't know what to do. I honestly am fed up, I'm worried about how this is going to affect the kids and if we would split what will I do financially?

Al-Anon~ I have been to a meeting and hoping I can make it to one after work tonight and another one on Wednesday.

Well need to get ready for work, hoping the senior citizens will brighten mood.