Worn Out

I am really in a funk and just can't seem to get out of it. I just feel so down and tired. Part of me wonders if it's from my surgery (had a fallopian tube, ovary and cyst removed beginning of January). Not sure if it's messing with my hormones or what.

Sobriety is going good, other then with the stress of everything I have been having alot of drinking dreams and of wine. I never drank wine nor liked the taste of it, kinda a bit strange to me. I am triing to get back into my routine of three meetings a week, doesn't always work with my work schedule, but I guess I haven't been making much of an effort to find other meetings then just my home group.This week I am planning on going to my first Al-anon meeting.Hoping that'll help me with some of my issues with hubby.

The girls are driving me nuts! 15 & 12 and they think they know everything, my oldest always seems so angry with me and the 12yr. old is just disrespectful. I know I am not a horrible parent, but obviously I am not doing something right. Just need to figure out what that is I guess.

Well, I need to get dinner started and get ready for my meeting tonight (I am looking so forward to it).

I read in one of my readings today:

Five simple prescriptions for the maintenance of mental and emotional health:

*Assert yourself: No one can respond to what you don't say.
*Be teachable: The ignorance you won't admit will catch up with you.
*Find confidants: Friends double your joys and divide your sorrows.
*Contribute something: Takers end up empty handed.
*Live today: Anyone can be strong for twenty-four hours.

Now I just need to actually take that advice, and wonderful advice it is.

Amber

persistence

3/11/2010




So it has been awhile since I have written. A LOT has happened. After a lot of fighting with Hazelden and the Insurance company I finally got them to say Hubby could go into treatment. The Monday he was suppose to go in they told us we had to come up with $10,000.00, which I new wasn’t right, but with my persistence everything turned out good. So as of today hubby has been at Hazelden for 8 days. The first few he was having a pretty emotional time but now he seems to be doing well. The girls and I went and visited him on Sunday and he looked good. It was really weird walking around there, almost felt like I hadn’t left treatment.

I have been having good and bad days, Thank God for my AA meetings or I don’t know what I would do. A few days ago I had a huge emotional breakdown (I think all the stress from everything the last month caught up to me). I did have an urge to drink, but I didn’t. It’s strange how 3 months ago I would’ve ran to the liquor store with no thought and now I know the consequences of what will happen if I do.
Between work, outpatient, AA and the girls I feel like I have no time, I have to work tomorrow, sat & sun and I just feel like quitting my job, I hate my hours, don’t get me wrong I like my job I just hate getting up so early. I had asked hubby’s mom to come keep an eye on the girls this weekend, but I am reconsidering it. I want to be able to trust the girls and not worry about them but they always seem to be doing things they shouldn’t even when I am around. Who knows, I guess I will pray for guidance on that subject.

Well I am going to sit and veg out for 2 hours before going to bed.

busy busy

2/25/2010




Oh, I am so exhausted, the last two days I have been so busy trying to set up everything for hubby to go to treatment and last night for some darn reason I couldn’t fall asleep then at 1:30am I got the hiccups and was up till 2:30am, got up at 6:30am and been up since. I am really looking forward to going to bed tonight, but not looking forward to getting up at 4:30am.

I also went down to the county to see if we could get some sort of financial assistants and to my surprise we do qualify for some, so I finally went grocery shopping. We now have enough food for the week, so that is one less thing to worry about. Now just waiting to see if we can get discounted School lunches for the girls. Normally I would feel like a failure asking for this sort of help, but I’m sure this is temporary and that’s what it’s for.

Tomorrow I have my medallion ceremony so I have that to look forward to. I of course will be doing all the packing for hubby and finishing getting everything together. He is busy trying to get all his business stuff done before he goes. Which today he decided he wasn’t going to go till Tuesday, I’m not thrilled with that, but I know if I push to hard he won’t go.

Well going to sit and relax before my laundry is done and have to cook supper.

Progress is a good thing

2/23/2010



Oh Boy, the last two days have been a roller coaster. My hubby is going to treatment on Monday, or so I hope. I am just awaiting details on the financial part of it. Hoping what we have to pay isn’t to much because I am probably going to have to borrow from family. I will try not to stress about it. I went to the county today to see if we could get any sort of assistants because we have NO money and he has no work. I hated to do that, but we are really in a crisis at the moment and need some help to get through it. I should find out in a few days what happens with all of that.

I have been to 2 AA meetings so far this week and am planning on going on wed, Thur. and Sunday. I always feel so recharged when I go. Plus I have my 60 day medallion ceremony on Friday, I am actually 73 days sober but who’s counting…hehe

Well, I go back to work tomorrow after a busy 4 days off, so I better get to bed soon. Will update soon what’s going on with hubby.
I am grateful for many things today!!!

What a GREAT DAY !!!

2/16/10

I have to say I had an awesome day! I went shopping at Target and Walgreens and it was bargain city, I got so many good deals. It just makes my day when I can do that. I posted all my stuff on my other blog, DoodleBug. I have been posting stuff when I have time, but really haven’t had the time lately so it’s pretty skimpy. I worked the 2nd shift last night and I have to say I really enjoyed it, I am going to look into seeing if I can switch to that shift when summer comes so the girls aren’t home all day unsupervised. I can only imagine what the house would look like let alone the fights they get into.


I had my IOP today and as usual it was pretty lame. Same stuff I learned in treatment. I keep telling myself that it is good for me to follow through with it, it will help to keep things fresh and in perspective. I stopped and got my nails done before IOP, which has been something I started doing since I came home from treatment. Kinda my little reward every couple of weeks for not drinking. I really enjoy the quiet time for just myself.

OK now for the shocker of the day. My husband called me this morning and left a message on my phone and told me that he thought I looked beautiful this morning. Very Nice ! Plus the other shocker was that I called him when I got home and he informed me that he called Hazelden. He apparently has come to the realization that the drinking is to much for him, that he finds himself stopping and drinking after work, today I guess it was 1pm this afternoon. This might not sound nice, but I am not getting my hopes up, he went through this while I was in treatment and did nothing when I was gone or when I got home. I told him I would support him and help out with his business the best I could if he went. I want nothing but the best for him and really hope he goes through with this, but as I’ve learned this is something he needs to decide, so I will stay out of it. I did how ever invite him to attend AA with me Tomorrow night and he said maybe. So maybe it is.

Well gotta work in the morning, so going to bed after this great day.

Gratitude:

God
Sales clerk @ Walgreens (she went out of her way to help me)
Family
Husband
My Dogs
Friends

2/13/2010, why do kids grow up?

OK…I am ready for summer already, this gloomy weather is doing a number on me. I had a good day at work, very exhausted because I made the mistake of drinking coffee last night and couldn’t fall asleep as early as I wanted to. I was so happy to see the other 3 woman I normally work with, the day went much smoother. I guess Hubby went and cleaned off his mothers roof, 11yr. old went sledding with her friend and 14yr. old stayed home, oh and the dogs got into the garbage, came home to it all over. I love my dogs, but boy between that stuff and whom ever is pooing on the floor at night is a pain.

It’s 8pm now, watching some movie and wondering if I should call my 14 yr. old. She went over to her “boyfriends” house to watch a movie, he lives right behind us. I am a bit nervous about it. He said is parents were home so I hope he was telling the truth. I told her she had to be home by 9pm. I just hope the boy doesn’t try and put a move on her. He has an older brother, I think he is 17 or 18, so I am sure he has heard/seen some stuff from him. I guess I shouldn’t worry to much, she hasn’t really done anything to break our trust. Why is it so hard to let them grow up?

Well, going to relax, get some laundry done and figure out what in the heck I just did to my computer (everything just got really small).lol

2/12/2010, Promises

Whew ! I am tired, I had the longest day at work, we had 2 other aides on the floor that don’t normally work in my unit. the unit I work in is a dementia/Alzheimer unit with 27 residents. So three aides equals about 9 people to get up each in the morning. Well put it this way, one of the girls working only got up 4 residents which puts a lot more work on the rest of us, so that makes for a long day. With that said, it was a pretty good day, I stayed positive and productive.

Tonight my 14yr. old had her “boyfriend” over. Don’t know if calling him her boyfriend is correct but he apparently asked her out. So she had him over along with two other boys, they sat in the basement and played Rock band and Halo. It all seems fine, nothing to worry about (at the moment anyways…).

Went to AA tonight, it turned out to be a pretty big group, one of the people in the group happens to be one of our neighbors (not one we partied with). Strange to see him/her there, but glad to see I am not alone in this neighborhood. The meeting went really well, the topic was gratitude and the AA Promise. I use to read it every morning in treatment and kinda forgot about it till last night. So here is a copy of it.

This can be found on page 83-84, of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.

THE A.A. PROMISES

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

This is just a great thing to read, going to try and start reading it daily. Well, have another long day tomorrow, so going to bed.

2/10/2010, 60 days Sober

I honostly can say I am pooped, I am starting to think I am to old for my job. We had 2 other aides on the floor that don't normally work in that unit so I basically felt like I was working by myself. I'm really starting to consider finding a different job.

The last few days have been really challenging for me, I don't know if it's from everything that's been going on over the last week in a half. But lastnight I had a complete meltdown. I litterly was having a crying fit because I wanted to drink so bad. I tried talking to a girl from my outpatient and then finally I told hubby that I needed to go to an AA meeting. I new there was one close by so I attempted to go to it, when I got there I couldn't find it and by then my urges had mellowed down a bit, so I opted to go grocery shopping. Which helped.

Tonight I had a good AA meeting, plus I have 60 days of sobriety today..YAY, have to say I am proud of myself. I drank to much coffee so I am hoping I can get to bed somewhat early, doubt it.
Tomorrow I am planning on skipping my IOP and get stuff done. I am still typing up all my journel entries from treatment so Ican post them on the blog. Well off to bed.

2/6/2010, Yummy Redlobster

I was so hoping to sleep in today since I didn’t have to work, but was up at 6:30am wide awake, around 7:30am my old roomate from Hazelden called me. She sounds like she is doing very good, other than going nuts while she temporarly has to stay with her father.


I went to lunch with the Inlaws today. I ordered a Tilapia wood grilled entrée and I honostly have to say I was happily surprised and how good it was, I ate evrything on the plate and my sister inlaw made the comment that I didn’t have to clean my plate..lol…I guess I get that from Hazelden, they have pretty good food there, I discovered cus cus there, my new favorite starch. Our conversations went pretty good, I can totally see the lack of knowledge in his mother though when it comes to alcoholism, she made the comment that you can’t let the liqour control you, you have to control the liqour. I just wanted to bust out laughing and say, well when you’re an alcoholic you really don’t have that option. I didn’t ofcourse, she meant well. All in all it was nice to see them and I enjoyed it.

I got home around 4pm and since then really haven’t done anything, the girls are down in the basement playing rockband and hubby decided to go over to a neighbors, the neighbor he’s at is someone who while I was in treatment came up a lot, he is an alcoholic also, someone who we would regulary drink with. Throughout the last 2 years here, him and I have had several fueds. He’s the type of person who only see’s situations as black and white and when he drinks he flat out lies about stuff. Oh and the typical neighbor stuff like his kid does no wrong and my kids do. So needless to say I have some issues with him. Well hubby is over there and I am sure he is drinking, it’s 8pm now, so we’ll see when he gets home. Does this bother me knowing he’s over there drinking? umm I guess a little, not him drinking, just the social aspect of it and wondering if he’s bitching about me to him of all people. I guess it’s something that worrying about it won’t help. Though after checking online I did see that hubby did purchace a bottle tonight (all I have to say is it better not show up on our property).

I was sapose to go to the Mall of America to meet my sister, she’s getting married in August and I am the maid of honor. We were going to look for dresses but something came up so we will do it another time. So my new plan is to work on my Valentines cards, blog and clean…fun fun

Gratitude:

Sister in Law

Health

My dog

My friendships from Hazelden

Family

God

Well it’s 9:17pm, he’s still not back yet, kids are quiet so I am going to have a smoke then see if anything good is on TV.. Night

2/4/2010, 53 days sober!!!

Today has all around been a good day. I am just tired, seems like everyday, if it’s not work it’s 3 days of outpatient and then 3 AA meetings a week. I sapose it’s good I am busy, but I would just like to sit and have a day to do nothing. I do have Sat. off so I am meeting Hubby’s sister and Mother at RedLobster for lunch (haven’t eaten there in years). So Sunday is my only day off, I’ll probably spend it cleaning and then it’s the next 14 days without a day to do nothing.


Been struggeling with some finaqcial issues at home, Mortgage went into forclosure while I was in treatment, but we have managed to pay it up to date (Only to get behind again). Ton’s of bills from when daughter was hospitalized for seven day right befor I went to treatment and now the bills from treatment. I can choose to get really upset about it all, but am realizing there is not much I can do about it. Stressing won’t help so I am triing to think of some creative ways to deal with it all. Getting tired and have to work in the morning.

Gratitude:

fellowship

Kindness from AA members

Friendships

Health

Family

OH, I’m 53 days SOBER !!!!!!!! yay

2/2/2010, Repitition

Oh am I full! I actually managed to get a good amount of food in me today. As far as Hubby goes, I am still not sure. But for some reason I feel as if a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I have done some much praying this week God is probably tired of hearing from me..lol

I had outpatient today and it was very unproductive and not organized, I am doing stuff I already did in treatment and the whole program doesn’t seem very serious. I feel like I am sitting in a room for 3 hours doing nothing, but I do enjoy getting some of my frustrations at home out. I also go to AA there on Thursday mornings, so it’s a nice change from my home AA group. I guess it helps.

I have to work tomorrow so I will be going to bed early (4:30am just comes to fast).

Gratitude:

AA, Health, family, friends, God & sobriety

I hope for a positive and productive day tomorrow and am really looking forward to AA, after the beginning of this week I really need it.

Goals I would like to work on:

look into buisness classes.

be sober another 24 hrs.

Ask at work about Activities Program director/assistant credentials needed.

2/1/2010, Another emotional day

Well another emotional day. I sent an email to hubby’s sister telling her I was concerned about his drinking and needed some advice. Normally I wouldn’t involve his family but she knows him pretty well. She called me around 7:30 am and I explained everything to her and told her I was debating on asking him to leave the house and decide whether he wants to live in a sober house or not. She was of so much help and I was happy to hear that I wasn’t the only one that felt that he can be selfish (if that’s the right word). He has a tendency of only really doing things if it benefits himself , making a situation about him and his wants and needs, not anyone else’s. He’s not always like that, but a majority of the time he is. She suggested that I talk to my other resources and see what they have to say before talking to him, so I talked to my counselor at outpatient and my peers and they thought I wasn’t asking to much of him by doing that.


Well at 5:30pm I approached hubby about the whole drinking situation, how I felt, how it’s affecting the children and just the general of the topic and the beginning of the conversation turned out to be him blowing up at me, saying I was the reason he was doing this in so many words, that I am not there for him emotionally & physically. I didn’t argue with him, since I know that I have been withdrawn since being back from treatment, though knowing he is using all of that as an excuse and pointing the blame to me. The one thing he has yet to get is that several things in the past that he has done to me (long story, but I think he has a some sort of sexual addiction problem also, maybe I’ll get into that some other time). As a result of these things it has affected my sense of safety emotionally and my trust, so opening up and letting him in scares me because every time I do I seem to get hurt. OK getting off the subject a bit. Well I also told him that I was planning on asking him to leave and he just kind of looked at me. He did say he was sorry and wouldn’t bring liquor in the house or drink in the house, but if he wanted to go out and have a drink he was going to. Towards the end of the conversation he started to get a little snide and rude with his comments and ended the conversation by say “well when you figure out what you want to do get back to me”.

I really don’t feel that the conversation accomplished a lot. I guess I have some searching to do, I just wish I could get through to him, though I know I can’t fix him. I am concerned about his health, he managed to drink almost a whole liter of whiskey between sat & sun night. This is so messing with my sobriety & my program. The last 5 days I have been so focused on this I haven’t been doing my steps, readings and let alone eating or sleeping good. I haven’t worked on my blogs, couponing etc. Things just aren’t getting done.

1/31/2010, Just at a Loss!

Things today really haven’t gotten any better. Yesterday my 11 yr. old came up to me and said she had something to tell me about Daddy but wasn’t sure if she should or not. I told her I probably already new what it was and she said “ I found a bottle in the garage, so I hid it. Dad told us he was sober and I don’t want him to drink again and that’s why I hid it”. It just broke my heart that this little girl has put this burden on herself, so I told her that “she can’t make him quit, he has to decide to quit on his own. That she didn’t do anything wrong”.


Around 4pm yesterday hubby came into the room and asked me what was wrong (after yesterday and today of me seeming pretty mad and leaving those glasses out for him to see). I finally said “ You haven’t figured out why I’m upset?” and he said he had no clue, so I told him” I was mad that he has been drinking in the house and hiding bottles in the garage”. His response was to leave the room and not say anything. I feel like I am going to blow up! oh and here’s the kicker, about 2 hours later I told him that our daughter hid his bottle and her reasoning for it, instead of any remorse he gets mad at her and tells her he’s mad because she interfered. I feel so bad for her, she didn’t do anything wrong. I pulled her aside and reassured her she didn’t do anything wrong and I was proud of her honesty. She seemed pretty ok with it, but I’m sure inside she’s got a lot going on. When I first told her I was going to Hazelden she was very upset, very supportive but I suppose she was scared that I was leaving her and now I’m sure those thoughts could be running through her head about her dad also. Her and her sister have been through enough for goodness sake. OK back to the “kicker”, around 8pm last night he said he was going out to get something to eat, I had a suspicious feeling he was going to go to the liquor store, so I hopped online and sure as shit he bought another bottle. What the hell is he thinking after everything that has happened. Besides how the kids are feeling I feel like he has no respect for my sobriety, feelings and wishes. I just don’t know what to do, I know I am pissed and hurt though.

Anyhoo, I worked today, I came home and for some reason again I immediately went down to the bathroom cupboard again and found a empty water bottle filled with whisky and diet coke, about ready to blow I walked out to the garage with it and told hubby we needed to talk and showed him the bottle. As I expected the first thing out of his mouth was to tell me that I have been neglecting him (typical alcoholic response, blame other’s), so I walked out of the garage and went to AA. It was extremely emotional, I broke down at the meeting, pretty much held back tears through out the entire meeting. I met a woman there tonight and she kind of drew herself to me and was rubbing my arm to assure me it was ok (even thought she didn’t know what was wrong). We exchanged phone numbers which was nice.

I am sick of crying, I feel so sick to my stomach. Knowing what I know from treatment I do get it from his point of view (the drinking), but at the same time I have to put my sobriety first. Sounds selfish, but it’s what I have to do. I am exhausted emotionally and physically so I am going to bed.

Gratitude:

Honestly, right now AA and my children…Just hasn’t been a good day.

1/29/2010, Do I need Al-Anon?

Today started out FANTASTIC, I was in the best mood, full of positive energy. Work went very well, I actually enjoyed every moment of if and you could tell that the Residents noticed my energy also. It was just a great morning/afternoon.


Around 5:00pm tonight I went into the downstairs bathroom and for some reason I looked in the cabinet and found a plastic McDonalds cup with Whiskey and diet coke in it along with a cup that smelled like it also. Not knowing what to do I just sat the cups on the counter so my Husband would know that I found it. Damn it! I am so upset, we had an agreement before I came home that there would be no liquor in the house and on the property and he would not be drinking in the house. When I smelt the glass it triggered me, I sat there and thought “well if he’s drinking and hiding it so can I” (the wonderful “slick” talking in my head). I am so upset that he brought liquor in the house and that he hiding it also. It makes me feel like he is not supportive of my sobriety. To top it off I also found a bottle in his car. I’ve only been home for 3 weeks and he does this, I am so frustrated I don’t even know what to do.

Well on a happier note I had my 30 medallion ceremony tonight (it’s actually been more then 30 days, but they do the ceremonies and the end of each month). It went really well, we had two speakers and tons of food. I didn’t say much when I got mine because I get completely scared in front of a large group of people…lol. A lot of people brought family and friends and it was nice to see that they had support. Unfortunately I didn’t have anyone there for me other then the AA members. I was kind of having a pity party about it, with what happened earlier with hubby and no one at the ceremony it just really made me sad. I didn’t know you could bring people so in fairness I can’t be mad at hubby for not being there. Well I am going to try and deal with all these negative feelings and get a goodnights sleep.

Gratitude:

The residents @ work.

The fellowship

My children

God

1/24/2010, In Laws, who would've known...

Today was a pretty uneventful day. I managed to get some cleaning and baking done. I spoke with hubby’s sister today and we had a really good conversation. She seems to understand that it bugs me that he goes and drinks (which I guess is ok as long as no liquor or drinking is being done in the house like we agreed when I was in treatment). it was just nice to have some support from her. We will be meeting for lunch feb. 6th with my Mother in Law also, so that should be interesting since I haven’t seen either of them since way before treatment.


Went to AA tonight, but it was kind of funny because no one showed up except myself and 2 guys (the Vikings were playing). Oh well, it was at least nice to get out of the house. Going to try something new with my journaling and voice my gratitude’s, not really sure what I am doing but thought I would give it a try.

Gratitude:
For my family

Friendly cashier @ kwick trip

My AA meetings & peers

1/20/2010, Back to work

Just got home from AA,, it was an ok meeting, despite how boring some of them can be (the people). I try to take something out of each meeting. I might have a sponsor too, she gave me her number so I might call her and see if she wants to go have coffee or something. We’ll see.


Today was my first day back to work. I was glad to get back. The more I think of it the more I am leaning towards getting a different job working in the “activities” department, I would really prefer the one on one time that you get. Something to look into down the road.

Tomorrow I have out patient and am waiting for a phone call from work to see if they are going to fix my schedule (they have me working day’s I am not suppose to be on the schedule). Shouldn’t be a problem though.

1/18/2010, Mother daughter Bonding

Not to exciting of a day, I was suppose to have my first IOP meeting (intensive outpatient) but my 11 yr. old wasn’t feeling well and didn’t go to School, so I stayed home with her. Most of my day consisted of clipping coupons and looking for deals on the web. I think this is my new addiction..lol, turns out I really get a kick out of getting something almost for free, I am thinking about starting a separate blog just for that, ya never know. The day could’ve been more productive but my frame of mind just wasn’t there.


I forgot to journal the other day (Jan 16th) My oldest daughter and I spent the day together. I have so much guilt and shame when it comes to my children, but with her it’s really hard I just don’t feel like I know her anymore. While I was drinking I really didn’t enforce any major rules other than be home before dark and I always had to know where she was. She’s always been a great kid and has never gotten in trouble so I do have trust in her. She’s a typical 14 yr. old, but for me her appearance has change so dramatically over the last year, she went from the little preppy looking kid to a gothic/emo looking, even her music has changed and whats really strange about it, she still has all the same friends from grade School and none of them dress like her, I just keep telling myself that she is discovering who she is. Any way’s back to our day together, it was great! we went shopping at a few stores, walked around the mall and had lunch, I really enjoyed the one on one time with her. Hope to do it again soon. Getting tired so I am off to bed.

1/17/2010, Boring days bring urges

Today was a hard day. My 11 yr. old daughter had a friend stay the night and I ended up staying home all day. With a long boring day I guess I should’ve saw the urge to drink happen. No, I didn’t drink, but I thought about it a few times. I ended up clipping a ton of coupons and cleaned for a bit. Seemed to help some.


I just came back from an AA meeting and it went great, I really needed a meeting to re-set my cravings and boy it did, I feel completely re-charged. The group suggested I attend the Wednesday meeting because there are actually woman there (Sunday’s it’s all men, but they welcome me). One of the guys also said that he would talk to a few of the Woman to make sure they attend on Wednesday, hoping I will be able to find a sponsor then. Well enough of my non productive day I am off to watch desperate housewife’s (haven’t seen it since before treatment).

1/14/2010, Sobor Communication?

Today started off good. I ran some errands, spent way to much money grocery shopping, but at least we have food now. Before shopping I cleaned out the pantry and can’t believe how much food I had to throw away, what a waste. Among that I finished the bathroom, hung the new shower curtain (which I have to say looks really nice and modern. I unclogged a sink and scrubbed the floors. There is more cleaning to do, but I am done for now.


Hubby and I are slowly starting to communicate better since I’ve been back. I don’t know how to explained it but we have always had an “intoxicated” relationship, we have both pretty much drank since we met. I don’t have much of a choice now other than to communicate “sober”, it’s a whole new way of life, scary but that’s how it has to be. It is just weird now and I am hoping that hubby can understand from my point of view how different things are for me, I know it’s not always going to feel this way, I am just in a fluster right now.

I talked to one of the girls from treatment tonight and unfortunately she is having some pretty big problems and I really hope she can pull through everything. So she will be in my thought’s and prayers…Well off to bed.

1/13/2010, busy cleaning

I didn’t get a whole bunch done this morning. Woke up @ 6am with horrible cramps and decided just to stay up till the kids get off to School. I went back to bed and shocked myself by sleeping till 11am, I must’ve needed to the sleep..lol. I did manage to get some cleaning done. I re-arranged the living room (had to make it different than what I was use to, sitting in the same spot where I use to drink didn’t seem like a good idea). I also got the entryway cleaned and now I am painting the bathroom (taking a break to let the first coat dry and watching American Idol).


I decided to skip my AA meeting tonight so I could finish painting even though I know I should’ve gone. Spoke with two of the girls that are still at Hazelden today and was debating if I should meet one of them at the airport when it’s her time to head home, I guess it all depends what’s going on.

I’ve been a little concerned about returning to work due to the fact that we live in a small town and I’m not sure who knows where I went and why. I guess I’ll deal with that if it comes up. Well gonna finish painting.